Today I was sitting at the park, watching the kids play on the playground, and I was reflecting on my weekend.
Every other weekend, my kids go to their dad’s house for a few days, and I’ve trained myself to try to get as much done in this time as possible.
It’s been really hard. At first, I would do too many fun things and not enough work. Other times, I would do too much work and not enough fun things. And pretty much all of those weekends, I wasn’t truly resting.
It’s taken me over a year of trying to figure out my new “normal” and to create “balance” on these weekends to realize that sometimes, I just don’t know when to stop.
To just stop.
To stop “doing.”
It’s just like painting.
I will paint and paint and paint and paint, and there will be paint everywhere. Do you know what happens when you keep painting wet paint over wet paint, multiple colors, over and over, without giving it any dry time?
Let me tell you - it all turns to mud.
So that was me this weekend, I was a big crying mess. Things that don’t normally upset me were the end of the world, and all the things I thought I’d been working through came back up all over again and it was just a mess.
So today, at the park, I was thinking about all that. I was wondering… when is the last time I just stopped? that I just wasn’t doing anything?
I think I just try to capitalize on my time so much that I don’t let any go to waste - to a fault. I’ve convinced myself that stopping for a minute and resting could potentially keep me from reaching my goals. And the last time I reflected on this I went the totally opposite direction and dropped all goals altogether (see post about 2019 here).
I’m not an expert on this, but I feel like it comes from having such a long to-do list for myself - even if they’re really great things I want to do. Things that make my business work, things that are helpful, things that make me happy. And yeah, they are usually all geared towards taking care of my family or pursuing my dreams.
But at the end of every day, it’s still this lingering list. I get really frustrated because I feel like I work so hard on everything every day, and it’s not “happening” as fast as I want it to. And that’s probably the root of the issue right there - it’s not happening as fast as I want it to.
And even when I know this is unhealthy, even when I would strongly advise others not to do as I do, I still end up reverting back to these old habits.
But today, something different happened as I was reflecting.
New thoughts started forming in my mind, thoughts that immediately restored my energy and made me feel at peace. They made me feel like my head was actually connected to my body, thank you very much, and that I was back in alignment.
These words are the whole reason I wanted to share all of this with you today. Because if you’re feeling tired and overwhelmed, like you’re not measuring up, like you work really hard and it seems to get you nowhere, like you don’t know when you’ll ever catch a break - I’m wondering if this will help you feel what I felt when I thought these words.
So here they are - please replace the italic words with whatever you are, whatever you’re doing. Make it your words, your story.
I already am an artist.
I already am a singer-songwriter.
I already am a writer.
I already guide others.
I don’t have to prove myself because this is how I always will be.
This isn’t my daily work - this is my life’s work.
I will accomplish all my ideas and goals because this is how I live.
All of the dreams I have will happen at just the right time because I am being myself and trusting what that means by showing up as who I know I am each day.
This is who I was created to be.
Today, my responsibility is to provide for my children by working a job that provides me immediate and exact pay for the work I do.
This doesn’t mean that I will never be a full-time artist, this means that today I have a job to do.
I will spend my free time becoming more myself, doing things I enjoy with people I love, and resting in truth.
Sometimes those things are in direct correlation with making my dreams come true.
Sometimes, they are just living.
Both are right.
Both are progress.
Both count.
Man, that feels so much better than “not enough.”
♥
