Most Sunday nights, I take some time to write out my schedule and priorities for the week, and things I don't want to forget.
This is last week's planner spread.
I don’t read/watch the news and I try to stay off social media as much as possible, so I really didn't know the extent of everything that was happening in the world.
I was in the bathtub (lol) just trying to relax before another work week ahead when I found out that both of the boys' schools were closed... until further notice.
Old me would have panicked. Old me would have scrambled to figure out what the heck to do.
But instead, I closed my eyes, my hands went up in the air and I said, "I have been preparing for this moment my whole life."
Bring it on, I thought.
I was filled with peace and dare I say, excitement, because as I've learned it's not up to me to scramble, ever. It’s not my job to figure anything out.
Something bigger is happening.
I know that there are many who will struggle through this pandemic, and I am not saying this has been a cakewalk for myself or that I'm insensitive to others. Not in the least.
But for the time being, I feel that all has returned to what I personally have needed.
No more rushed mornings scrambling out the door. No more cramming work into the hours between drop-off and pickup and feeling like there's no "break" to be found. A true excuse to just do our own thing in our own house in our own yard and reconnect as a family, without the interruption of a school schedule.
We have laughed so much harder and played so much better together this past week than any other time I can remember. We needed this. I needed this.
So last night, as I opened my planner to attempt to map out a few things for this week, I stopped to reflect on this blank spread that was filled with so much unplanned joy last week.
Nothing is ever certain, and yet, when we fill our time and days with predictable schedules, rules, routines… when we go to the same places and see the same people week after week, when we allow our jobs and our bank accounts and our achievements to dictate our sense of security, it creates this false concept of safety that we know what to expect, that we are in control.
But we never were in control to begin with.
Maybe, just maybe, something bigger is happening for you too. Maybe this is what you need, in your life, right now, in whatever form it’s taking at the moment. Maybe this is the moment you’ve been preparing for too…
I believe that this is a special time unfolding for us (as a collective) to take a big, honest look at ourselves and zoom in on the things that are causing true panic right now, internally, personally.
What is it that’s triggering you? What is making you feel anxious or that you don’t know how to handle/cope/figure it out? What is making you feel inadequate? What is making you worry? Is it the news that you read? Is it the fear of losing your job or your finances? Is it not knowing what the heck to do with the kids now that they’re at home and you still have to go to work? Is it fear of causing illness for another person?
I know, I know that this is so hard for so many people, for so many reasons.
What if in this moment, you allowed this “trigger,” this thing that’s causing you to panic and be filled with worry, what if you allowed it to reveal to you what God desperately wants to handle for you?
So often, when we are filled with this anxiety, triggered by whatever is happening around us, it’s honestly just a conflict happening inside. Our mind is holding onto a belief that is keeping us from feeling total surrender and peace. What do you believe inside that’s causing you to fear your future or doubt your safety and decisions at this moment?
It’s time to let it go, my friend.
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10)
Peace is a covenant. It was never taken away from you. It’s still here, calling to you. It’s still here, waiting for you to take hold of it and let it guide you.
But in order to take hold of it, you have to let go of the reigns.
You are safe to trust the unknown. You are safe to let go of your expectations, your anxious thoughts, your beliefs about what you “should do” right now in this time. It’s okay.
You are okay. You always will be.
Sending love to you during this strange place in time. If you need a friend, or a listening ear, I’m here. If you need a safe space to let some words out, a safe container to hold your fear or processing, I’m here.
XO, Caitlin
♥
